Sex Guide — How To: Equines
A — How to have more fun with your Stallion
So-o-o-o, maybe you’ve thought about trying to make it with a stallion … after all, they sure look like a good time. Here’s a few tips on how to make the experience more rewarding for both of you.
1) Find a stallion: Preferably somewhere where no one will hear him grunting and snorting, and come to investigate … Older stallions are better; they are more sensible, and less likely to spaz out and hurt someone. Don’t even bother with the ones who are half-crazy already, they only get worse when stimulated.
2) The approach: Quietly walk up to about 10′ from him and stop. Let him come to you to investigate. Move very slowly, so as not to startle him, and let him sniff you over … Gently pet his neck and withers, and murmur encouraging words – win his trust … At this point, it is helpful to smell like a mare in heat … it does wonders for their libido.
3) Smell like an estrus mare: Find a mare in heat, usually 5-6 days out of every 21 (I know it ain’t that easy). Approach as in 2) above … Pet her flanks and work your way slowly back to rub her tush, and base of her tail. Watch her ears … if she resents this contact, she will flatten them back, and swish her tail … further pursuit could lead to being kicked. If the mare does not seem to object, GENTLY dip a finger into her vulva, getting her natural aroma on your hands … Some mares will not cooperate and move away from the contact … Remember, that is their choice. If the mare tolerates your advances, continue to massage her privates … If she really responds well (by raising her tail and squatting), you can try … oh, yeah … that’s for my follow-up article, soon to come, “How to have more fun with your mare” ….
4) Restraint: Yes, it’s a good idea. Some studs get overly excited and react by kicking, biting and/or trying to mount you, all of which are no fun unless yer into S and M too … (although a quick nip on the rump can be fun). Take a halter and lead rope and tie him to a stout object using a slipknot … you do know how to tie a slipknot, don’t you? If not, see yer local Cub Scouts for lessons. The reason for the slipknot is to be able to release him instantly if there’s a problem.
5) The Rub: Let the stallion smell the nice, fresh mare odor on your hands – he should respond with snorts, whinnies and (hopefully) an erection. Starting with his neck, pet him gently, massaging his withers and slowly working your way back to his belly and privates. Some studs will get kinda twitchy at this point … swish their tails and kick- stay close to his body, and away from his rear to be safe … avoid being mashed into the stall walls by his body. If he starts to act up, quit immediately, calm him down, and start again from the beginning of this step.
6) Clean and Jerk: Unless the horse is seeing active service, his penis is probably covered with a layer of smegma, dead skin flakes, etc. … It doesn’t taste great, nor is [it] terribly useful for lubricating purposes. Wash him up with clean water or – gently rub the accumulations from his shaft. Apply lube … K-Y works well. I’ve found it’s best to rub the shaft till he’s fully-erect, then transfer your attention to the head of the penis. Maintaining a steady pressure on the sensitive glans penis, let him do the thrusting … they usually won’t come unless they can thrust – meet his strokes with your own movements. Use your own shameless imagination from this point … again, being careful of kicks, love-bites, etc.
Some women enjoy oral sex (above) and copulation (below) with horses – but this type of bestiality is quite dangerous, and must be done with safety and health of both girl and horse a priority.
B — Helpful Tips: Stallions
1) Wear steel-toed boots to protect your toes from being stomped on.
2) Most stallions quickly learn to enjoy this stuff, and will come to bug you for more in the future. If they resent this type of contact, don’t try to force it, or you risk getting creamed … I’ve seen ‘em kick a stall door clean off its hinges …
3) A little lube is helpful … I usually carry a 3:2 mix of KY and water in a contact lens cleaner bottle … a little more discreet than big tubes of KY.
4) DO NOT get under him or stick yer face down there unless you absolutely know and trust him … some stallions will try to lie down on top of you (squii-i-ish!), or kick suddenly, and cost you a lot of expensive dental work.
5) Wear a safety helmet – I know it sounds weird, but their hooves are like rocks and can easily crush your skull. A broken head can ruin a friendship, so it’s a good idea to wear a helmet (of course, if you get caught playing with him, you’d look REALLY SILLY wearing a helmet, but “better safe than dead” I always say).
6) Did he come? Well, when a stallion comes, the tip of his penis (the glans) swells up (flares) into a mushroom shape the size of your fist or bigger … He’ll thrust a couple more times, then ejaculate 3-4 ounces of semen with enough force to shoot 5 feet. His semen is whitish and runny like egg white … do not confuse with pre-ejaculate, which is watery and clear …. He will drip copious amounts of this before he comes.
NOTE: Those of you into anal/vaginal sex … Do NOT attempt to put his penis into you unless you can already accommodate something the size of a human arm and fist … you risk rupture, and peritonitis if he’s too big (plus it’d be real hard to explain what happened to the emergency room staff )
ALWAYS REMEMBER: A stallion is an unpredictable animal … He may be fine one minute, then explode into 1200 pounds of biting, kicking horseflesh. He may be enjoying himself, but he doesn’t know his own strength, and can disable or kill you without meaning to. If you aren’t familiar with the proper handling of equines, I strongly urge you to find someone who does to help you the first time (I know that’s tough to do, but it’s for both of your safeties.